Dawn light filters through my membranous
eyelids
Cutting short the peace.
An empty, wiped-out clingfilm wrap,
A spoon,
Charcoal lines.
Soon,
Soon, I will wake
And not ache.
"Just break the habit" they say,
But how to get through today?
This will is not mine.
Nothing, but nothing is fine.
Cringing awake in opiate need,
Bones burning inside
Can't hide
The facts about this,
This deceitful not-bliss,
Not anymore.
Am I sure?
Seven old filters in an unbleached spoon
Soon,
Soon,
I will wake and not break
I remember the days when I flew past the
moon
Soon,
Soon,
I will play a new tune
And nothing gets right
As I push in the pin
And I miss and I sting
Cos I can't find a vein
And it's always the same,
Like this,
The same,
No gain.
I'm checking the sunk ones, the scabbed, the
collapsed
And I'm wondering why I don't care.
As the blood cauliflowers
Relief's all that's left
And I'm left with the same,
Same pain
Same pain
Cos it's never enough
Getting tough
Getting rough
And I'm losing the will to survive,
Stay alive
And I'm left with perhaps
And perhaps.
So I stumble, Still-dressed,
To the door,
In my chest
A bewildered and lost lack of hope.
It's the same as before
The same as before,
But worse.
I've doubled and tripled my curse.
The train station looms
Like a beacon of light
In the grey-drizzle pre-workers' hours
And they all fob me off
"Fuckin' smackhead, get lost"
As I beg them with bullshit and lies.
"My sister is dying,
I just need a ticket"
"Is she fuck, junkie scum,
I can tell that you're lying"
One day I will kick it.
But I'm lucky today
(Look, my skin's turning grey
as the dead,
Smackhead
Smackhead
I hear them all mutter Sewer rat
From the gutter,
All that)
But I'm lucky today and somebody falls
For my lies
Gives up the notes
And I'm thinking I'm wise
So she floats
Floats
Floats to the phonebox,
Half-smiles
Just my name is enough
We both know the spot
Now the waiting
And aching
Are all that I've got
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