Tuesday 25 September 2012

Who Wants to go Back to This?

Dawn light filters through my membranous 
eyelids 
Cutting short the peace. 
An empty, wiped-out clingfilm wrap, 
A spoon, 
Charcoal lines. 
Soon, 
Soon, I will wake 
And not ache. 

"Just break the habit" they say, 
But how to get through today? 
This will is not mine. 
Nothing, but nothing is fine. 

Cringing awake in opiate need, 
Bones burning inside 
Can't hide 
The facts about this, 
This deceitful not-bliss, 
Not anymore. 
Am I sure? 

Seven old filters in an unbleached spoon 
Soon, 
Soon, 
I will wake and not break 

I remember the days when I flew past the 
moon 
Soon, 
Soon, 
I will play a new tune 

And nothing gets right 
As I push in the pin 
And I miss and I sting 
Cos I can't find a vein 
And it's always the same, 
Like this, 
The same, 
No gain. 

I'm checking the sunk ones, the scabbed, the 
collapsed 
And I'm wondering why I don't care. 
As the blood cauliflowers 
Relief's all that's left 
And I'm left with the same, 
Same pain 
Same pain 
Cos it's never enough 
Getting tough 
Getting rough 
And I'm losing the will to survive, 
Stay alive 
And I'm left with perhaps 
And perhaps. 

So I stumble, Still-dressed, 
To the door, 
In my chest 
A bewildered and lost lack of hope. 
It's the same as before 
The same as before, 
But worse. 
I've doubled and tripled my curse. 

The train station looms 
Like a beacon of light 
In the grey-drizzle pre-workers' hours 
And they all fob me off 
"Fuckin' smackhead, get lost" 
As I beg them with bullshit and lies. 
"My sister is dying, 
I just need a ticket" 
"Is she fuck, junkie scum, 
I can tell that you're lying" 
One day I will kick it. 

But I'm lucky today 
(Look, my skin's turning grey 
as the dead, 
Smackhead 
Smackhead 
I hear them all mutter Sewer rat 
From the gutter, 
All that) 

But I'm lucky today and somebody falls 
For my lies 
Gives up the notes 
And I'm thinking I'm wise 
So she floats 
Floats 
Floats to the phonebox, 
Half-smiles 

Just my name is enough 
We both know the spot 
Now the waiting 
And aching 
Are all that I've got

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